I kept thinking that God would explain things to me and I’d have great insights to share here and it would help a bunch of people.
I’ve got nothing.
These past 9 days have been so hard. The trauma, the loss, the emptiness, the grief. I was devastated the first few days. A bunch of times I did the “ugly cry.” Then I was going to study the trauma just prior to Jesus’ death, but I haven’t been able to. The wounds are just too fresh, I cannot handle any more pain right now.
Monday, seemingly out of nowhere, a peace came upon me, which I know was solely the grace of God, likely inspired by the prayers of many people. Other times I have just been numb. I have absolutely no desire to do anything or go anywhere, write, read, or even eat. Today I’m just plain depressed. I miss my baby girl so much. It is still hard to believe they are both gone.
I had so many questions: Why did God allow Cindy to suffer? Why did He allow Jesus to suffer? Knowing He may very well not answer either of those questions, I wondered why not? A few thoughts came to me:
Romans 8:17 – Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I wonder what that verse really means. God’s glory is not external, it’s who He is. So somehow sharing sufferings brings us to share in Him? I’d like to research that more.
From Isaiah 55:9 As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts and Job 38-41, we know that even if God tried to explain, we could not understand His ways.
So then what is the point? What do you do with things like this? I started asking questions like: How can this be used for good? How can I get closer to God? How do you have a more intimate relationship? What is the essence of relationship? I got overwhelmed and my counselor reassured me that those questions are huge, and that spiritual greats like John Wesley and C.S. Lewis have tried to address them. Oh good, more reading. 😛
I do not know much about relationships, but isn’t it that going through good and bad times together, sharing your heart with each other, spending time together, giving (especially your attention) to each other – are not those the things that strengthen a relationship?
Two things I heard from Bible teachers on the radio this week:
- God can change your heart even if he does not change your circumstances
- You cannot do for God until you let God do for you.
So, instead of searching for a profound, wise post, maybe I should just embrace the fact that God is with me through this painful time, and that by trusting in that fact by faith, He is working and drawing me closer.